For the Child
by Eleanor Zara Sugarbaker
Summary: A father and son are torn from each other because of forces they have no control over. Will his son ever know who his father is?
1. Default Chapter

A/N: I have come to love Snape-as-Harry's-Father stories, so I decided to write one myself. This is my first Harry Potter fan fic, so in your reviews, please don't Snape me!! If you don't like alternate universe fics, Snape-as-Harry's-Father fics or fics that mess with canon, then this is probably not your cup of tea. But I encourage you to read it anyway, lol. You never know, I might just convert you. ;o) 

I wrote this fic while listening continuously to the song "Broken" by Seether (If you haven't noticed, that's where the first chapter gets it's name from :o). Check the song and the lyrics out and tell me if you think they apply to the characters in this chapter.

When I wrote this fic, I had in mind the actors that portrayed them in the films. So, if McGonagall doesn't end up with black hair or Petunia and Dudley with blonde hair, please don't flame me! I just thought that Alan Rickman looked a whole lot better as Snape than the way he is described in the books.

Disclaimer: Lyrics are from the song "Broken" by Seether and everything "Harry Potter" is J. K. Rowling's.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 01: "Broken"

I wanted you to know, I love the way you laugh, 

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. 

I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well, 

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. 

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open, 

And I don't feel like I am strong enough. 

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome, 

And I don't feel light when you're gone away. 

The worst is over now and we can breathe again, 

I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away. 

There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight, 

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. 

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open, 

And I don't feel like I am strong enough. 

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome, 

And I don't feel right when you're gone away. 

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open, 

And I don't feel like I am strong enough. 

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome, 

And I don't feel light when you're gone away.

~*~*~*~*~*~

__

31 October 1981

"No, Severus!" Yelled the old man with the long, flowing, silver beard. He grasped the younger man's arm tightly, trying to restrain him. "What's done is done. There's no use in endangering yourself. Let it be."

Finally, the younger man with shoulder-length black hair stopped struggling and stood still in the dark, clear night to gaze upon the ruins of a home that once housed a family. His. There were several small fires yet to be put out here and there. Smoke wafted out the windows and towards the heavens, but the worst was over. Side-by-side in silence stood the older man, Albus Dumbledore, and the younger man, Severus Snape. Severus was in shock as he surveyed the charred remains of the home he shared with his wife and infant son. He had only been gone an hour; in one hour he had lost his beloved wife and the son he had adored from the depths of his soul. His spirit had shattered like a looking glass that had been thrust upon a sidewalk.

Dumbledore peered sorrowfully over his half-moon spectacles to address Snape softly. "Severus, Hagrid is going through the house right now to…"

Snape jerked his head around to glare at Dumbledore, and snapped angrily, "Why? To see if anyone is alive?!" He laughed bitterly at the thought of anything being salvageable after witnessing his house being almost completely destroyed. The only think that remained was the frame of the house. The walls were intact, but badly burnt. 

The older man ignored this comment, knowing it was the grief speaking. "Perhaps it would be best if you waited at Hogwarts while Hagrid and I wait for the Ministry of Magic to arrive?"

Snape, now calmer and looking at anything but his former home, answered, "Like you said, Headmaster, what's done is done. Going to Hogwarts won't do me any good. My family is gone whether I'm here or there." 

Dumbledore sympathized wholeheartedly. The scene before him was a picture of absolute and horrific destruction. The two trees that flanked either side of the house had caught on fire and burned to a crisp. The front door was missing where it apparently had been blasted open and the windows were broken into thousands of little pieces, all of which lay on the ground in front of the house. The beautiful, red roses that once decorated the walk way that led to the front door were wilted and lay strewn on the grass. Severus couldn't bear to cast his eyes on the overwhelming devastation that had happened in the one hour he was away. 

He wanted to yell! He wanted to scream! He wanted to wail like a banshee, but he remained motionless, his inner turmoil hidden behind his staunch Slytherin composure. Being emotional wasn't going to make anything any better. It wasn't going to bring his wife back and it wasn't going to bring his son back. It wasn't going to undo any of this. Snape felt he had nothing left to live for. For a moment he wished the Dark Lord would return and perform the _Avada Kedavra _on him. Or maybe he would beg Voldemort to do the _Cruciatus_ curse first so that he could suffer like his poor wife did, or maybe the _Imperius_ curse so that the evil wizard could humiliate him because he didn't deserve to be alive. 

__

It should've been me to have died. Not them, but me.

For one fleeting second, Snape thought of hunting Voldemort down and pleaing for a most painful demise. 

So deep in his thoughts was he that he almost didn't hear the muffled crying that seemed to be coming from inside the house.

Severus jerked his head up and looked quizzically at Dumbledore, "What was that?"

"I don't know. It sounds like a child's cry." Dumbledore looked equally interested in the source of the cries. 

The cry that had, at first, seemed as if it were coming from the back of the house, now seemed to be moving closer. From the place Snape and Dumbledore were standing, they saw the half-giant Hagrid emerge from the doorframe, ducking so as to not hit his head. In his arms, the two men saw him carrying a white bundle. A child was screaming loudly and wildly now. As Hagrid grew closer, Severus could see two chubby arms flailing from the blanket and he recognized them instantly. They were his son's! 

Snape bolted from where he was standing on the sidewalk and met Hagrid halfway up the lawn, seizing the bundle out of his arms. It was all he could do to keep from falling to his knees and rapturously thank the powers that be that his son was spared. Holding the baby tenderly in one arm, he used the hand on his opposite arm to wipe the tears from the wee lad's reddened face. Upon seeing his father, the little one's screams faded away into sniffles. As if the world around him had disappeared, Severus concentrated on the one thing left in the world that he loved the most: his own flesh and blood. He rocked the boy gently until his slowly drooping eyes were shut. 

A half-joy surged through Severus's veins the moment he recognized his son, but now reality had crept back into his mind as he looked up from the sleeping boy to see the Headmaster smiling, mixed emotions overshadowing his face. Dumbledore looked simultaneously overjoyed, relieved and saddened. Hagrid stood to the Headmaster's left, his eyes brimming with tears. He sniffed here and there.

"I found'im that'a way. Screamin' an' yellin'. Poor li'l thing. He was a'layin' beside his…" Hagrid abruptly stopped upon seeing Severus's head snap up. The look on Snape's face chilled Hagrid to the bone. It wasn't what was on his face, but what was _not _on his face--emotion. It was a haunting look, a mask he wore when he didn't want anyone else knowing what he was feeling or thinking.

In a monotone voice through lips that didn't move, Snape asked, "Where is she?"

Hagrid didn't know whether to answer or not. He looked to Dumbledore for guidance, but Snape was impatient and furious, wanting to know the last possible things his dead wife saw.

"WHERE IS SHE?!" His voice boomed through the night air.

Startled, Snape's son awoke and began wailing again. His little mouth did a perfect impression of an upside down "u" and his small face scrunched up in discomfort. Severus tried to rock him but his screams seemed only to get louder.

Dumbledore stepped forward and held out his arms. "Do you mind, Severus, if I may hold the child?"

Snape hesitated. He'd only now had gotten him back after believing that he'd been killed by the most horrendous dark wizard in ages. 

As if Dumbledore had read the man's mind, he assured the child's father, "Don't worry, I'm not going to run off with him as I haven't run since before the turn of the century."

Reluctantly, Severus placed the wee one in the arms of the older man and instantly the child hushed. 

The headmaster smiled at the boy and cooed soothingly, "There, there, child. No harm will come to you now. You're safe."

Snape, however, was not distracted and expected his question to be answered. Quieter, as to not again wake the baby, he prodded urgently, "Well, Hagrid, I asked you a question and I expect it to be answered. Now."

Again, Hagrid looked at Dumbledore who nodded his head in approval. Hagrid took a deep breath. It was evident that what he saw had shaken him.

"The nurs'ry. She 's lyin' there on th' floor…"

Immediately, Snape turned and ran toward the house, going in through the front entrance.

Hagrid panicked, ready to go after him. "Dumbledore, sir, he migh' get hurt er summat could fall on 'is head!"

"Let him go, Hagrid. It's the only way he will find peace."

In the house, Severus ran up the skeleton stairs to the second floor, barely making out the rooms that use to house his familiars. Instinctively, he cast his eyes in the direction of his son's nursery and his pace slowed. Like the front door, the nursery door had been blown away, the pieces were scattered in the hallway. Before placing his hands on either side of the doorframe, he turned his head away from the room to prepare himself for what he would see. Closing his eyes, he saw her, laughing, smiling, holding their son… Those green eyes! How alive they had been! How mirthful and happy! Scenes of their life together flashed before him: their friendship, star-gazing, their courtship, their marriage, making love, the first time she had made him wear something that _wasn't_ black, finding out she was pregnant, the birth of their son… Tears stung his eyes but did not fall and a hollow smile formed on his lips as he replayed these memories over and over in his head.

Severus turned around. Slowly and gingerly, he felt his way back to the creaking stairs and descended. He did not open his eyes again until he was out the door. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Severus exited the house oppositely from the manner in which he entered. His face fixed stiffly ahead, his eyes were black like bottomless pits--emotionless and empty. 

Dumbledore, with the baby still in his arms, looked most kindly upon Snape and returned the infant to his father. The younger man looked at his boy and noticed he was again awake and cooing.

The headmaster chuckled, "I think he prefers you. While you were gone, he kept calling for 'dada'. Either the child was trying to express his wish to be a future DADA instructor or he simply wanted his father."

Numbly, Snape just nodded. 

As representatives from the Ministry of Magic began to appear, Dumbledore felt that they needn't stand in the way of the Ministry doing their job. He suggested to Hagrid and Severus, "Our work here I done. I believe we need to go somewhere more comfortable so we can talk about what to do next? I do believe Hogwarts would be the best place to go, are there any objections?" His face moved between Hagrid, who shook his head "no" and Severus whose attentions were focused solely on his son. "Very well then. I have a portkey with me," he took out a striped sock from the insides of his flowing blue robes, "Here touch this and we will be taken to my office." The half-giant and grief-stricken young man gathered around the older man and touched their hands to the sock. Severus held his son's tiny hand to the sock, as well, so he wouldn't be left behind. In a few very seconds, the trio plus a baby arrived in the Hogwarts office of the headmaster.

Hagrid felt his presence wouldn't be needed any longer so he made his excuses. "Sir, I need ter go an' check on some things. I'll be close by in case yeh be needin' me." 

Dumbledore smiled softly at the gamekeeper. "Thank you, Hagrid. I greatly appreciate your help tonight." 

"I was glad ter be of some service. I'll be goin' then." Hagrid left, leaving Dumbledore and Snape alone to talk about what happens next.

Dumbledore sat in the chair behind his desk and conjured a chair for Snape. A comfortable, padded green armchair appeared in front of the headmaster's desk and Snape sit in it, still holding his child who sounded like he was trying out some new sounds. The most prominent word out of his mouth was "dada", but there was another sound that the little one was trying to turn into a word but was having trouble doing so.

The old man allowed several minutes to pass by to give father and son some time together before Severus and he discussed what to do next. He wasn't sure the answer would be the most popular with the younger man, but at the moment, it seemed like the most logical. Dumbledore's thoughts were interrupted, however, when suddenly Severus sat upright looking alarmed at the boy. Through a gap in his hair, he saw a wound on the child's forehead, in the shape of a bolt of lightning! 

"Albus, look! On his forehead!" Severus abruptly stood up and handed the baby over to the headmaster who had also risen from his chair. Moving the black hair from the baby's cherub-like face, the old man meticulously examined the scar as an art dealer would examine a world renowned piece of art. 

Amused, Dumbledore looked at the worried father. "Well, I've never seen anything like it before, perhaps because nothing like it has ever been accomplished."

"What is it?" Snape queried, concerned about his boy.

"The mark on your son's forehead is a mark that could only be the result of surviving the one curse which leaves no survivors."

"The _Avada Kedavra_???" Snape asked incredulously, "But _no one_ has ever survived it once it's been cast. How, in the name of Merlin, did a fifteen-month old child survive it??"

Handing the baby back to his father and taking a deep breath, Dumbledore sat back down in his chair and stroked his beard with his long fingers. For several quiet moments, he thought in earnest. 

Finally, the headmaster spoke thoughtfully, "I can only conclude that his mother must've sacrificed her own life for that of her son's, thus casting somewhat of a counter-charm that protected the infant from the ravages of that particular curse. The courage--the love--that she had to have had for her son must've been enough to repel such a curse inspired by hate and loathing."

"Yes, she did love him very much. So very much," Snape thought out loud, almost inaudibly.

"And you, too, as I recall."

"Her love for me was unearned and undeserved. It's because of me that my son has no mother," Snape murmured. 

"Love is not earned, it is freely given, Severus. And you are not to blame for her death!" Dumbledore's voice now sounded stern. He didn't want the man sitting before him, the man he was so fond of, blaming himself for the perils created by another man so hate-filled and so power hungry. In a tone more gentle, the headmaster continued, "I'm sure if I performed a _Priori Incantatem_ on your wand, I would find that you had not cast the _Avada Kedavra_ on your wife, therefore, you are not responsible for her death." 

"But it's because of _me_ and the choices _I _made that she's dead!!" The last word was so painful when it passed his lips that he almost didn't get it out. It stuck in his throat like a wedged chicken bone.

"Ahhh, but as I recall, she didn't enter into the marriage oblivious to your work or what you were trying to accomplish. I believe she had an idea of the danger that lay before her when she said her marriage vows. In some ways, I think she expected tonight to happen sooner or later. In death, she will earn the respect and admiration of thousands when they learn of her valiant sacrifice."

Snape had nothing left to say and hung his head in defeat, his dark hair brushing over his sallow face and covering his grief stricken eyes. His anger still dwelled inside him, but he was too exhausted to argue anymore. Sensing his fatigue, Dumbledore pressed the issue he so vehemently wanted to talk over with Severus before the young man's mind had shut down completely.

"There is another thing, Severus, that is urgent that we discuss. I know you are tired, my friend, but we cannot delay in making some important decisions regarding our victorious survivor here." His blue eyes twinkled as he gazed at the giggling, bubbly infant.

His head still hung down. He closed his eyes wishing that he were alone with his son, trying to forget the events of the past twelve hours. But he knew this discussion was inevitable. He was just waiting for the headmaster to bring it up. It wasn't exactly the discussion that he dreaded, it was the decisions that had to be made that he despised. Somehow he knew they were going to be among the most painful that he would ever have to make in his life. Wearily, he answered, "I know. I knew the moment that I recognized him in Hagrid's arms that we'd have to make some decisions regarding his future."

"My fear is that once Voldemort's followers hear of what has happened to their master, they will come looking for the child. I'm also afraid they might come looking for you, as well, as I'm sure that they will suspect you, before long, of having turned traitor. Even if the Death Eaters have no idea that you were a spy, if Voldemort returns, and let me say that I do not think he is dead, just… incapacitated, he will be looking for you as well as the young wizard who escaped his wrath." 

Once again, Snape donned his expressionless face and stared straight ahead looking at nothing but the wall behind Dumbledore's head. He couldn't meet the old man's face. "My own _son_ is not safe with me, his _father_."

"And I might remind you that _you_ are not safe with him."

"I don't care about myself, I just want to protect my son! Not only because I want to see him safe, but because I don't want his mother's sacrifice to have been in vain. Besides, I don't know what I'd do if I lost him, too."

"I know. I know. I am worried for the both of you. I want to be able to keep you both safe, which brings me to the point of this discussion."

Snape sighed, "Well, then out with it, Albus. I'm quite tired."

Dumbledore's expression became somber as he searched for the right words to say. There just didn't seem to be any "right" words. In his softest voice, he addressed his friend.

"Severus, you have some choices you need to make. By all means, not tonight, but soon, out of the safety for the both of you. I need to impress upon you the urgency in which these decisions need to be made. First of all, I would only welcome you to stay here at Hogwarts as no Death Eater would ever think to lead a retaliation upon these sacred grounds, at least not while I'm here. Secondly, if and when Voldemort shall return, he would not dare come near this school so you shall be safe, as well as your son, if you decide that he shall remain with you…" 

For the first time in a while, Snape's eyes met Dumbledore's and bore into the older man's with fury. Disgusted, he roared, "I've just lost my wife and now you want me to give up my son?? The only thing in this life that I have left?!" How could _anyone_, Dumbledore included, expect that he would just give up his own flesh and blood?! The man must be mad! He would _die_ before he handed his son to anyone else! As soon as these words slipped through his mind, he reminded himself, _Your wife did die before she handed her son over._

This thought calmed him down some so that he could think more clearly. The child wouldn't be safe with him, that was true. The child's true identity had been well hidden since the day he was born precisely to protect him from those that wanted to harm his father. After all, his wife was dead partly because she had been married to him. But now the circumstances were different. The child was as in much danger as himself. This fifteen-month old baby had, in essence, defeated the most feared, the most abhorred and the most powerful wizard of his time. That was reason enough for the Dark Lord's followers to want to seek revenge, even if the person responsible for their master's demise wasn't even old enough to say a simple spell. If Dumbledore was right and Voldemort wasn't dead, then the only way he could protect his son from these type threats would be to keep him at Hogwarts under constant surveillance every minute of every day. The child would not be allowed to wander the grounds freely, he'd be locked up inside the castle. He wouldn't be able to go on trips or to do things typical boys his age would be doing. It just wasn't fair to expect a child to understand the complicated reasons behind not being able to be normal. 

Dumbledore got up and walked over to Snape and laid a kind hand on his shoulder. "I want you to make a decision that would be the best for both of you. Only you can make that choice. As you are his father, I trust that you would be the best in determining the most logical course of action to follow." The old man removed his hand and walked over to the window of his office and gazed out into the night sky. "Sometimes, the greatest thing a parent can do for their child is also the most painful. I was sitting in the same place as you twenty-five years ago, and I had to make a heartbreaking decision much like the one you will be making soon."

Snape's curiosity peaked. The headmaster had always preferred not to get too personal with most people, so it was most surprising that he was divulging private information. "Were you happy with your decision?"

Not meeting the young man's face, Dumbledore continued to stare out the window, his thoughts miles and miles away from the office at Hogwarts. "Every circumstance is different, my friend. You cannot judge your own experience by mine, so I will not tell you just now what I think of my decision."

"Then how the hell am I suppose to know what is the right thing to do?! This is my child we're talking about, Albus! I don't want to play trial and error with his life!" Snape yelled furious, his angry voice echoing throughout the room. 

"I pity your position. I would not wish it upon anyone, but I believe that you are strong enough that you can withstand the consequences of your decision."

For a moment, Snape considered what Dumbledore said. Perhaps the child _would_ be better growing up apart from his father. With a heavy heart, he asked in a small voice, "Would he go to another wizarding family?"

"No, I don't believe that is safe. From this day forth, everyone in our world will know his name. Every move he makes will be known and closely followed. His whereabouts, as will yours, will be front page news on the 'Daily Prophet', the both of you will become easy targets for the Death Eaters. I'm afraid that all the secrets you and your wife so earnestly tried to protect will be exposed, putting you and your son in the gravest of danger."

"Then where exactly would you place him?"

"I believe your wife had a sister…"

"I don't believe this!" Snape screamed, interrupting the Headmaster once again, "You want to place him with people that didn't even acknowledge our world!! She had nothing to do with her sister the whole time she was alive! And if you are correct in assuming that the Dark Lord is, in fact, still alive, then I would think the first person he would look for would be my son!"

"I can assure you that he will be protected, Severus."

"How is he going to be more protected living with those idiots than he would be here?!" 

"When your wife died for your son, there was a protective charm that was cast on the child and I have reason to believe that anyone related to your wife by blood will be able to cast the same protection on him. Your sister-in-law is the closest living relative that shares the blood of your wife…"

"_Late_ wife…" Snape hissed.

"Yes, most unfortunately. As long as the child lives under the same roof with her, he will be protected and no one will know of his whereabouts. He will be able to grow up in peace and live a normal life without being in any danger. I give you my solemn word that this child will grow up safely."

Snape looked sourly down at the baby who was still talking to himself despite the life altering decisions being made around him. He knew that it was only right that the child be placed with his late wife's horse-faced sister, but it didn't mean that he liked it any. The prospect of his son never knowing who his father is was tormenting to say the least. If there was only some way to keep his son with him _and_ keep him safe. Snape wracked his brain for anything, but there was only one answer.

"Fine! Take my son away!" Snape shot up out of the chair and moved to stand in front of Dumbledore, shoving the child towards the headmaster. "Just take him." 

Dumbledore gave him his most compassionate look. "Not right now. Plans will have to be made first." Severus took back his son and grasp him tightly in his arms. He wasn't sure that if the headmaster didn't take him at this moment, if he would ever be able to let him go.

"Severus, I know what you are going through. There are things that I've never told anyone, secrets that I've never dared let escape my mouth. Trust me that I feel the same anguish that is engulfing your body at this moment."

Snape narrowed his eyes at the man who appeared to have so much more in his life than Snape did at that particular moment. Furiously, he barked, "How could you possibly know how it feels?! How could you possibly know what it feels like to have your child ripped from you for reasons that you have no control over?!" 

__

"Like I said, my friend, I know. It still saddens me to think of it and at the moment, I may even fall apart if I speak of it. When I'm ready, I will tell you. But even now, after twenty-five years, I still can't bring myself to think about it." A singular tear rolled down Dumbledore's cheek and his face looked suddenly tired. The creases in his worn face featured prominently. Upon seeing that one tear, Severus trusted that the headmaster was feeling what he was feeling because he had faith in the man that sat before him. He had never lied to him before. After all, this was the man that he'd sworn his allegiance to in the fight against Voldemort.

Both stood quietly at the window for several minutes, trying to capture a moment's peace in a night of tumult. Suddenly, the wee lad in his father's arms stifled a yawn, ceasing his childish cooing. Dumbledore smiled at the small fellow, then at his father.

"It's late and we've all had a long day. Why don't you two take my room tonight and try to get some sleep."

Too tired to argue, Snape acquiesced. Dumbledore led them to his chambers and told them that if they needed anything, to call on him or a house-elf. Snape placed the little fellow on the bed and cast a protective charm so that he wouldn't roll off. Sleep would not be overcoming him tonight for this was the last night he would have alone with his child. This time tomorrow, his role as a father would cease and he return would return to being ordinary Severus Snape. It was enough to tempt him to turn his own wand on himself.

With sleep battling the baby for control, the wee one began to cry and scream. Snape rushed from where he was over to bed and picked him up tenderly. He tried to shush him but with no avail. Even rocking him didn't seem to have an effect. Then, Severus realized what the matter was, or rather he smelled it.

Making a face, he realized what his son had done. Even though he'd changed a few diapers during the past fifteen months, it was usually a job reserved for his wife…

"_Late_ wife…" he reminded himself.

Laying the squalling child back down on the bed, Severus transfigured a vase into a diaper quite easily, but then he had the problem of deciding what to do with the mess in the child's diaper. He recalled that his _late_ wife had used some sort of moist tissue, preferring to have hands on contact rather than doing everything by magic. She always went on about how babies needed contact. Frustrated, he looked around, looking for anything that could be used to wipe the child's bottom. With nothing left to transfigure (Dumbledore apparently kept all his belongings in his office rather than in his chambers), he gave up and waved his wand, whispering, "_Proles Purgo._" In under a second, the boy's mess was cleaned up, but it took longer than a minute for Severus to try and figure out how to put a diaper on. Now, even more frustrated, and feeling a little guilty, he resorted to magic to put on the diaper. Once again, brandishing his wand, he muttered, "_Compescor_." If the boy hadn't been kicking and screaming the whole time, Severus might have managed to change his diaper the Muggle way. 

Sighing, in relief at an accomplished, albeit difficult, task, he frowned when his son had still not quit crying. The child's screams tormented his father who was all out of ideas as to how to go about soothing him. He picked the baby up and tried rocking him. That didn't work. He tried rubbing his back in circular patterns. That didn't work, either. It hurt Severus deeply that he couldn't help his son calm down. Perhaps the lad sensed that his mother was dead? Or maybe he somehow understood that this was the last night he was to spend with his father?

"It's ok, son. Shhhh… Dada's got you." At that moment, he felt something tug the back of his robes. Whirling around and looking down, he saw a house elf.

Angered that his last remaining hours with his only child were being interrupted, Severus snarled, "What do you want?! Can't you see I'm trying to calm my son?!" 

The house elf trembled, totally terrified of the man in the black robes and hateful eyes. Timidly, she squeaked, "E--Essie's sorry, M--Mister S--Snape! M--Master D--Dumbledore thought you might n--need this for th--the little one!" In her hand was a bottle filled with milk in which Severus grabbed irritably and then yelled at the house elf to get out of the room. In an instant, the frightened elf was gone.

The moment Severus put the nipple into his son's mouth, the baby immediately settled down. The only sound that could be heard was him sucking hungrily. A little milk dribbled from the side of his mouth and down his chin, staining the older man's black robes. Ignoring the wet spots the milk was making on his robes, he hugged the child to his chest as he sat on the edge of the bed. He couldn't explain why, but at that moment he felt so much pride and joy looking at the little guy he held in his arms with whom he shared his chin and hair color. For several seconds, the pair locked eyes and warmth flooded Severus's body. His son's love was the only thing that could mend his battered soul. Extending a long finger, he was delighted when five small, chubby ones wrapped themselves around it. The wee fellow fell asleep still grasping his father's finger. Severus was reluctant to lay the child down. He could've lived in that moment forever. In fact, he hoped that time would stop so that he could spend an eternity gazing proudly at the son he had helped create. 

The night was peaceful and tranquil. Severus moved, with his child still in his arms, to sit on the ledge of the window to look out into the dark night. A foggy mist slowly crept from the lake onto the land and covered the grounds for as far as he could see. There was no moon, but there were thousands of stars twinkling brightly in the velvet black sky. As a child, he had thought them to be spirits of the deceased shining down on their loved ones on Earth. Now that he had gotten older, he knew that that wasn't true, but he couldn't help but notice that since the rise of Voldemort's power, there seemed to be many more stars scattered about the sky than he could ever remember. 

Severus and his son sat that way the rest of the night. The wee lad slept soundly in the arms of his father. He was unaware of his father watching his sleeping form carefully, wanting to memorize everything about him to last him until the day they were to see each other again. A million memories played in Severus's mind as the hours passed too quickly. 

When the night faded into morning, he and his son went out onto the grounds to watch the sunrise. He put the boy down on the ground and let him toddle around. Soon, Severus's little man found a toad, and out of curiosity, began to follow it around as it leaped from one place to the other. Several times, he tried to catch it in his little hands, but instead ended up falling over onto the ground. He never cried, though. Rather, he would grunt and stand himself back up, wiping his dirty hands onto his pants. After awhile, he gave up on the toad and turned his attentions on the lake. Severus was so mesmerized and enchanted by his small son's actions that he almost didn't catch the lad before he plummeted himself into the water. Laughing, he scooped the mirthful child up and returned to the castle. 

On their way back, Fawkes, Dumbledore's phoenix, flew overhead and the boy pointed his stubby little finger at it and looked at his father as if to ask, "_What is that_?" Reading his son's facial expression, he answered, "That's a phoenix. Can you say 'phoenix'?"

The child opened his mouth to reveal two rows of pearly white teeth and tried to mock his father but ended up saying, "Feex."

Chuckling, Snape said, "Close enough." Now, everything that flew overhead, whether it be Fawkes the Phoenix, a bird or an owl, the child would point at it and say "Feex". It didn't matter how many times Severus tried to correct him, the wee one stubbornly refused to say anything else. The two spent the rest of the day wondering about the castle and the grounds. Anxious about the impending events to happen upon nightfall, Severus was unable to keep still. He also wanted to spend each remaining moment with his son before he gave him up to two imbeciles who he was sure didn't love him, and would never love him, as much as his mother had and his father did. 

Father and son paused twice throughout the day to eat. The older man wasn't hungry much, but he had to eat his food in order to persuade his son to eat. They then set out to explore Hogwarts's beautiful gardens. Severus allowed his wee man to toddle a little ahead of him. He observed him hopping from flower to flower, taking the time to smell them, often times picking the blooms off stems and stuffing them into his pockets. Every once in a while he would vanish into a bush to explore it further, usually reappearing within a few seconds. However, when the boy didn't reemerge from the rose bush he'd just disappeared into, Severus worried and went to look for him. Soon he heard his son scream from the top of his lungs. Following his cries, Severus quickly found him and saw the reason for his screams: he'd been bitten by a gnome. The baby held his hurting finger with his opposite hand as tears rolled fervently down his plump cheeks. Angry at the stupid gnome for biting his child, Severus forewent tossing it out of the garden (which was the proper way to dispose of the little pests) and instead, produced his wand, pointed it at the gnome and shouted, "_Eradico_!" The gnome burst into flames from the top of it's pointy hat to the bottom of his pointy shoes, thus producing a fit of giggles from the child. Forgetting about his hurt finger, he clapped his hands together for his father's feat. Severus let his son continue wondering about the garden, but stayed close behind in case of another attack.

The day passed by fast, too fast for Severus. As the sun sat, he reflected on the passing day and tried to etch each and every minute into his memory. When the child napped, he extracted his thoughts into a pensieve to help him endure the coming years without his son. Emptiness soon consumed him and doubt crept into his mind as to whether he would be able to give his son up. He knew that for the moment, it would be better for his son to live apart from him, but he couldn't help but feel slightly selfish as to wanting to keep his son near him. _Wasn't that what parents and children are suppose to do? Stay together?,_ he thought. Sadness turned into rage, rage turned into bitterness and the bitterness turned back into sadness. 

The last ray from the sun disappeared beneath the horizon and there came a knock on the chamber door. Severus's heart dropped for he knew what it meant. Striding over the door, he flung it open and saw Dumbledore standing there, his eyes full of pity.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he turned away from the older man and asked miserably, "Why do I feel like Igraine as she handed her son over to Merlin?"

Dumbledore spoke softly and benevolently, "Because you are doing the same thing, handing over your son. Like her, you have no control over the reasons for doing so. And just as her son Arthur was, this child will be great as well. He, too, will be a legend and a hero."

"Well, I don't want him to be a legend or a hero!!" Snape yelled, spit flying from his mouth, "I just want him to be my son!!"

"Severus, he will always be your son and you will always be his father. It is still not too late to change your mind. I will go to any lengths to protect him, and you."

The younger man seemed to consider this for a minute, but then with a dismissing wave of his hand he spoke gruffly, "No, it's for the best. I just want a little more time with him."

Severus had never begged in his life until now. He was too sorrowful to even feel ashamed at his un-Slytherinlike pleading. 

"Of course, my friend. You can have more time if that is what you wish. The preparations have been made to transport the boy to the Dursleys'. Minerva is already there. She's been watching them throughout the day. I'm going to join her shortly, but when you are ready, give the child to Hagrid and he will bring him to me."

This inflamed Severus. He scoffed, "Hagrid?? You can't be serious?! You expect me to trust that oaf with my only son??"

"As I trust Hagrid with my life, I also trust him to deliver the child in one piece."

The young man was not happy, but he didn't argue. He trusted Dumbledore's judgment, even though he couldn't help but balk at some of his decisions. Nodding his head, he told Dumbledore, "Fine. Give me a little more time to say goodbye. I'll go find Hagrid when I'm ready."

"Very well." Those were the older wizard's only words as he left the chamber where Snape and his son were staying. Even Dumbledore, being one of the wisest men in the wizarding world, couldn't think of the words to say to comfort the younger man enough or that would give him the strength to endure giving his child up. He'd rather not have to look into the face of the suffering father right now for Albus felt as if he had failed the young man. For the first time in his life, Albus Dumbledore felt that he had no power. He couldn't make the Death Eaters leave Severus and his child alone, and he couldn't make the Dursleys like the baby and he couldn't ease Severus's or his own pain. Gravely and sadly, he made his way to Number Four Privet Drive to join Hogwarts's Professor Minerva McGonagall. Together they would await the arrival of the baby.

The child still lay slumbering on the bed when Dumbledore left the room. Snape paced the floor frantically trying to come up with a better way to keep his son safe than to send him off to and aunt and uncle who despised him. He never liked his sister- and brother-in-law. They were the biggest gits he'd ever met. Vernon exemplified the word 'Muggle'. And their son. God, what a little prat he was. The only time he'd been in their company was when his wife had attempted to fix the broken relationship between her and her sister by inviting them to dinner. He'd been tempted then to curse Dudley by giving him two heads and hooves, but his wife had taken his wand away and hid it. No matter because he didn't need magic. Later, when he'd caught Dudley pinching his son on the arm, Severus hadn't needed magic to slap the blonde haired boy on the head and knock him senseless. Afterward, when his in-laws had gone home, he'd gotten a good tongue lashing from his wife over that incident. But no matter, the little beast deserved what he had gotten. He'd had to heal the nasty purple bruise that appeared right above his son's wrist. From then on, he told his wife that under no circumstances would their child be around her sister's son. Until now.

Severus couldn't stand to watch his son anymore knowing that their time together was waning. He gathered the child in his arms and set off for Hagrid's hut. Sitting outside was Hagrid, more than ready to follow through with the precious task Dumbledore had assigned to him.

Hesitantly, Severus handed his most cherished possession over to the half-giant on a motorbike. Hagrid started up the bike, which made a loud ruckus, but the baby slept on. Just before he set off, the gamekeeper turned to Severus and asked him, "Is there anything else yer wanted ter say?" What Hagrid meant to ask was if Snape had any departing words for his child, but an embittered Snape sneered and directed his words at the one holding his son, "Yes, don't drop him." 

With those last words, Snape turned and briskly walked back to the castle, never looking back. He heard the motorbike take off until it was so far gone he couldn't hear it any longer. His eyes stung, making him blink several times to clear his vision. His body was numb and as heart was beating rapidly. There wasn't any place in particular that he wanted to walk to, but somehow, his subconscious had led him to the astronomy tower. He sat atop the tower on the stone floor and looked up at the starry night as he had done the night before, and so many times in his past. His late wife had loved to star gaze since her youth. During his first couple of years at Hogwarts, Severus had seen Lily slip away from the castle and disappear into the darkness of the night numerous times. Soon, he'd started following her, curious as to where the young girl was heading off to so late every night. Unbeknownst to him, Lily knew that she was being followed and caught him off guard one day when the fourteen-year old girl invited the seemingly shy and somewhat brusque fourteen-year old Severus Snape to join her in her hobby. At first, Severus was reluctant to have anything to do with a Gryffindor (especially the girlfriend of his arch nemesis James Potter), but ultimately became at ease with this good-natured, beautiful girl. They made fast friends. Around midnight, when the students were suppose to be in bed, the pair would sneak out of the castle (Lily knew all the secret passageways) and meet just beyond the reach of the Whomping Willow's branches. Night after night, they'd try to find a decent place to gaze from as one location would be obstructed by trees and another too well lit to see anything. Finally one night, quite by accident, they'd stumbled upon a nice grassy knoll. The spot seemed to be a gateway to the universe, because from where they lay, all the stars in the heavens seemed to congregate before them. 

They'd lay for hours in silence, even after they had married, looking at the sparkling silver lights that dotted a background of black velvet. Severus had even chosen constellations to represent themselves--Leo for Lily the Gryffindor and Serpens for Severus the Slytherin. They were the first things Severus and Lily would look for when they gazed up into the heavens. Many times during their marriage, Severus had to go on missions to spy for Dumbledore. It was a comfort for each to look upward and see their constellations glistening vividly in a sky that sheltered them both. It made them feel closer to one another, even though they were miles apart. Following the birth of their son, Harry, Lily had chosen a constellation for him as well--Leo Minor--much to the chagrin of his Slytherin father. She had been so damned sure that he would be a Gryffindor some day!

__

"He's as much Slytherin as he is Gryffindor! Why, in the name of Merlin, did you have to choose Leo Minor??" 

"Do you see a Serpens Minor anywhere up there?"

"Well, no…"

"Ok then, Leo Minor it is. And stop yelling! You're going to wake my little cub!"

Growling, Severus stalked off to sulk, but before long he was back at his wife and son's side, never being one to stay away for too long. 

Sniggering at the memory, he gazed at the sky overhead and quickly found Serpens and Leo, with Leo Minor lying just to the south of it's mother. Tonight especially, Severus noticed that Leo shined more intensely than it had ever before. "Watch over him, Lily," he whispered softly, hoping with all his heart that his dead wife could hear him from wherever she was. Thinking about the son he had just given up, he began to weep bitterly. His tears were like acid on his pale face; his hauntingly tragic howls carried across the castle grounds and echoed throughout the Forbidden Forest, casting a silence upon all the living things that could hear them. For hours and hours he wept, each strangled cry was pulled mercilessly from the bottom of his broken heart. It was only the second time in twenty years he had cried, the other time being the day Harry was born.


	2. Chapter 2: Fare Thee Well, My Own True ...

A/N: I have come to love Snape-as-Harry's-Father stories, so I decided to write one myself. This is my first Harry Potter fan fic, so in your reviews, please don't Snape me!! If you don't like alternate universe fics, Snape-as-Harry's-Father fics or fics that mess with canon, then this is probably not your cup of tea. But I encourage you to read it anyway, lol. You never know, I might just convert you. ;o) Check out my website at .

Sorry it took so long to put this chapter up, but you know how life gets in the way! I'll try to be faster at getting these chapters written, but unfortunately I can't make any promises! I would like to take the time out to **THANK** all those who reviewed the first chapter. I'm eternally grateful for your warm words of encouragement!

I wrote this fic while listening to the song "10,000" by Mary Chapin-Carpenter. I encourage you to check the song and the lyrics out then read this chapter. It put me in touch with Snape's mood

When I wrote this fic, I had in mind the actors that portrayed them in the films. So, if McGonagall doesn't end up with black hair or Petunia and Dudley with blonde hair, please don't flame me! I just thought that Alan Rickman looked a whole lot better as Snape than the way he is described in the books.

Disclaimer: Lyrics are from the song "10,000 Miles" by Mary Chapin-Carpenter and everything "Harry Potter" is J. K. Rowling's. Also, there are a few remarks in Dumbledore's dialogue that were inspired by quotations I read in two particular calendars: "Healing Spirit" by Flavia, which can be found at , and "Small Miracles" by Yitta Halberstam and Judith Leventhal, which can be found at .

~*~*~*~*~*~

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Chapter 2: "Fare Thee Well, My Own True Love" 

Fare thee well, 

My own true love. 

Farewell for a while. 

I'm going away, 

But I'll be back, 

Though I go 10,000 miles.

10,000 miles, 

My own true love. 

10,000 miles or more. 

The rocks may melt, 

And the seas may burn, 

If I should not return.

Oh, don't you see, 

That lonesome dove, 

Sitting on an ivy tree? 

She's weeping for 

Her own true love, 

As I shall weep for mine.

Oh, come ye back,

My own true love, 

And stay a while with me. 

If I had a friend, 

All on this earth, 

You've been a friend to me.

~*~*~*~*~*~

27 December 1981

Severus sat frozen in his chair. His dilated, bloodshot eyes focused straight ahead at a silver basin-like object that rested on his desk, just inches within his grasp. It seductively beckoned for him to surrender unconditionally to its will, to become a slave to his deepest, innermost desires by losing himself amongst the silvery wisps of smoke that danced in it's circular shape. It's simplicity in looks was it's greatest lure for how could Severus pass up something that appeared so harmless and innocent? Each day he had promised himself that he would stay away from the temptation it held inside, but the more it sat unused, the more it begged for Severus to give in to his weakness and partake in the bittersweet satisfaction that it brought him. The raven haired man could tolerate almost anything that life threw his way. He'd endured numerous _crucios_ from his fellow Death Eaters during his time as a spy; he'd even suffered through a horrendous childhood being hated, abused and neglected by both his parents, but what he could not bear was to spend each day trying in vain to remember how his cold heart had melted at the sight of Lily's green eyes were or how proud he had been at the sight of his son taking his first steps. His biggest fear was forgetting the only things Lily and Harry had left behind: memories. It was this fear that begat the obsession that overtook him in the days following Harry's departure.

After Harry had been delivered to Number 4 Privet Drive, Severus took up residence in the dungeons of Hogwarts Castle. It hadn't been a conscious decision, but he had no other place to go and the uninviting dungeons offered his tortured soul the isolation and privacy that he sought. Days upon days he would lock himself within his dark and dank quarters without surfacing. No longer did he feel the need to participate in a world that had been so cruel to him and, therefore, became somewhat of a recluse. Only rarely did he venture out, and even so, it was exclusively at night that he would emerge from his self-designated domicile. This was usually to collect ingredients for the potion he was concocting. His visits above ground were infrequent and swift as he preferred to avoid the company of meddlesome teachers and irksome students. No one ever dared disturb him, not even Dumbledore. As he wished, Severus was left alone to make his potion. The particular potion that he was working on was a memory enhancer that would enable him to recall his memories in great detail, even the most obscure ones that had been long forgotten, by pulling them from the unconscious part of his brain and storing them temporarily in the conscious part. He wanted to preserve every last detail of his wife and son for he felt it was all he had left of them. Unfortunately, the memory enhancement wasn't permanent and gave Severus a mere hour's time to collect his thoughts and place them in a pensieve. Carefully and precisely, Severus measured the ingredients and added them to his cauldron according to the all too specific instructions. If he messed up, he'd have to wait until the next full moon to brew another batch. Even Severus, who considered himself a sage when it came to potion-making, was intimidated by the complicated directions. However, the preparation gave him no trouble and once the potion was finished simmering, Severus cooled it and poured it into a flask from which he drank. All he could do was wait.

In a few seconds time, a flood of images bombarded his mind. They were so vivid, so clear, so exact! A thousand scenes from his past appeared simultaneously. Without wasting any time, Severus hurriedly put all the memories that he could, pertaining to Lily and Harry, into the pensieve. There were so many images that filled his mind, from his first memory to the most recent, he had to quickly sift through them to find the ones that he was looking for. Only when the images begin to fade did he stop what he was doing. Though exhausted, Severus held in his hands his redemption. This little silver object filled with his most cherished memories was going to set his soul free and provide him with what he lacked and missed the most--or so he thought. Over the course of the next few weeks, the pensieve turned out to be more of a curse than a blessing as gradually Severus found out that nothing could ever replace what had been violently ripped from him. Not even the pensieve. Soon, he discovered that the phantoms it contained were cold substitutes for the real thing, but it didn't deter him from exploiting the tool's purpose. At first, he would use it every two to three days to satisfy a need that gnawed on him until its demands were met. After a couple of weeks, he began using it every day, sometimes twice a day to feed an addiction that continued to grow stronger with each use. Every time he traveled into the shadows of the past, he would mentally berate himself for being so foolish as to think that his appetite for his family could be sated by witnessing the long gone actions of mere illusions. _She's dead and he's gone_, Severus would tell himself over and over. It was an idea that his mind just couldn't seem to grasp. The memories made him feel more often worse than better, but it did not dissuade his voracious hunger for just the slightest glimpse of them. As each scene passed before his eyes, he felt nothing but guilt and anguish. He craved to reach out into the shallow images to hold his wife or to muss Harry's black hair. His soul cried out to be released from the chains of sorrow that had also wrapped his heart in a permanent black veil. Before long, he began to wonder if perhaps death wouldn't give him the peace he so desperately desired rather than continue to live this life of emptiness and unbearable grief. 

Thoughts of death enticed him several times in the two months following Harry's abrupt exit from his life. It was his only hope of freedom from the pain that had allowed unhappiness and sadness to amass his soul. His family had been his life, it was the sole reason he had existed. He'd been the unpopular, weird and odd Snivellus Snape before Lily came into his life. She was extraordinarily pretty and remarkably kind, but most of all, she had loved him for him. Merlin knows that he hadn't been easy to love as he was a lot of the time disagreeable, ill-tempered and for the most part stubborn and unyielding; nevertheless Lily, in her understanding way, accepted her husband for who he was, no questions asked and no expectations of change. So many times he had underestimated her love for him, but thankfully she wasn't as quick to anger as he and overlooked many of the sarcastic remarks that passed his lips. She was the only one who could soothe his soul and quiet his incessant worries and paranoia. It wasn't unusual for Lily to turn into her animagus form and sit on Severus' lap. Though he hated to admit it, it calmed him to gently stroke her fur while she purred softly. Even as an animal Lily had been beautiful. With soft cinnamon brown stripes overlapping ginger colored fur, she had been one of the most gorgeous cats Severus had ever seen.

While Lily gave him purpose, Harry gave him reason. As long as they were a family, he had a reason for being in the world. Without them, he was lost, as lost as he was before he'd first laid eyes on Lily at platform 9 ¾ when they were just eleven years old. That hadn't been that long ago, but suddenly Severus felt older than his twenty-five years. His head throbbed, his heart ached and his whole body shook as he sought to escape the present world which he could not share with his wife and son. An all too familiar feeling swept his body once again. Surging through his veins was an urgency to once more explore the priceless treasures of the pensieve, the object that Severus had vehemently sworn off. For much of the day, his brain defied the wishes of his heart, but in denying the heart, Severus also denied his body. Since early that morning, he had just enough energy to sit languidly in his chair, wasting the day away trying to resist the temptation of the object that had so easily accrued so much power over him. It was a battle of wills that Severus should have effortlessly won weeks or even months ago, but he hadn't a reason to win. Each day he needed to see more, to hear more and to hurt more. He felt he deserved to suffer, as though it would avenge those he had wronged by his actions, namely Lily and Harry. Then today, of all days, he had decided to lay aside the pensieve. What a foolish decision it had been because today, particularly today, would've been the day to lose himself within the pensieve's shadowy depths.

Severus's hands clutched the arms of the chair until all the blood had drained from them. Beads of sweat trickled in turns down his sunken, pale face as he concentrated earnestly on beating the addiction that had enveloped him. If he could withstand the pensieve's ensnarement today, then he would be given hope for doing the same tomorrow. Time passed slowly as each second had to be accounted for. They did not pass fast enough for Severus, who's will grew weaker by the minute. He felt as though he was holding on to a rope which was slipping little by little through numb fingers. No matter how much strength he had, it would always have more.

For a few more minutes Severus persevered, ashamed that he was battling an inanimate object for control over himself. _When did you become so pathetic?? How could Lily ever love someone as cowardly as you?? How could you have ever expected your son to be proud of a father that couldn't hold his own against a pensieve??_ _You couldn't save Lily or James, so what makes you think you'll save yourself??_ These thoughts swam around his mind until he couldn't take it anymore. He shot up from his chair with such a force that it was knocked over. Hanging his head in defeat, he stomped over to the pensieve, stopping just short of the desk upon which it laid. His resistance had proven just as damaging as his submission, so what did it matter anymore what he did or didn't do? Who was he hurting? It wasn't like he was hurting Harry as Harry was hundreds of miles away living with his aunt and uncle. He'd never get to see him again, not that he hadn't tried to. Several times Severus had planned to sneak away to check on his son, but each time he had been warned by Dumbledore that it was better for him not to go anywhere near Harry. It was for his own protection as well as his son's. There were Death Eaters still lurking around and they would like nothing better to send Harry on his way to meet his mother for killing their master. Dumbledore had reason to believe that they would stalk Severus in order to find The-Boy-Who-Lived. In the end, like always, Severus acquiesced to Dumbledore's wishes and reluctantly stayed away from his wee lad. Even though the Headmaster had their best interests at heart, deep down a small part of Severus blamed him for having to give his son away and he hated the old man for it.

"Damn him! Damn them all!!" he shouted in frustration. His deep, powerful voice bounced off the dungeons' stone walls. _Damn Lily for talking me into marrying her even though I knew it wasn't safe! Damn James Potter for devising the scheme that allowed us to get married! And damn Harry for ever being born!_

Towards the heavens he looked and yelled angrily, "I hate you, Lily! I hate you and your arrogant, prideful Gryffindor friends--Potter, Black, Lupin… ALL OF THEM! Look where all your Gryffindor bravery and courage got you… DEAD!! You're dead! You're fucking dead and you're never coming back!!" 

Unable to deal with this harsh reality any longer, Severus bore his eyes into the silvery mist that swirled inside the pensieve and waited for it to take him away from his wretched life. Almost instantaneously, he felt himself being sucked into his own memories like so many other times before. As the scene before him changed, his dungeon quarters faded to reveal a hospital room at St. Mungo's. In the distance, he could see his late wife and immediately regretted his cross words. As his fury dulled, Severus found himself trying to swallow a lump that had gathered in his throat while he watched the memory unfold. How interesting that of all the memories stored in the pensieve, this was the one he'd gotten sucked into. He remembered this specific day all too well... 

__

"Oh, Merlin, I don't think I can do this much longer..." 

__

Lily's red hair was drenched with sweat from her labor and her green eyes were dull with fatigue. She panted as she tried to assuage the pain through breathing exercises. It had been two hours since she started pushing and she had made only meager progress. The medi-wizard had called for a little break so that she could gather her strength for the arduous task that lay ahead. Her husband was at her side, holding her hand and stroking her sweat soaked face.

__

"Well, you didn't expect the baby to just slip out did you?" he asked dryly. 

She laughed. Oh, what an infectious laugh she had! _"No, but we've been here since yesterday afternoon and this baby's no closer to coming out that when we arrived! If he's anything like his father, he's in his natural habitat--damp and dark. I don't think anything will persuade him to leave!"_

"I'll take that as a compliment. If I recall, it was the prodding in dark and damp places that got you in this situation in the first place. And you weren't complaining then." Smiling, he planted a kiss on her forehead. "Don't worry, we'll get through this."

In his wife's eyes, he could see all the love and trust she harbored for him. A glimpse of her face was all it took for Severus to bow to her every want and need as he never wanted to let her down. How could he deny her anything with those hauntingly memorable eyes staring back at him? 

"Please, Love, let me see you." She pleaded with as much strength as she could muster, whispering so that no one else could hear her. 

Donning his most sympathetic look, he gently told her, "You know I can't, Lily. It's not safe."

Another contraction hit and the red head gritted her teeth and breathed in sharply and exhaled in short puffs. When it was over, she turned to Severus, her begging more urgent.

"Please, I want 'you' to be here for our baby's birth, not 'him'."

"I am here, Lily. It's me."

"But I want to see 'your' face when you see our child! I want your expression etched in my memory forever. When I close my eyes, I want to be able to see 'your' face, not anybody else's."

Severus hesitated, thinking it over in his head. He couldn't risk the safety of his wife and child by appearing in his true form out in public, but he didn't want to disappoint his wife. Thinking quickly, he remembered an obscure spell he had come across in an ancient book of spells he'd purchased years ago in Knockturn Alley.

"I know of a spell that will reveal myself, but only to you. It lasts several minutes, but I don't know if it will last long enough for the baby to be born."

"Please do it! I need you so much! I know you're there, I just need to see you!" Out of desperation to see her husband and the frustration of her prolonged labor, Lily began to cry and Severus knew he could refuse her no longer. Softly, he murmured an incantation that she alone could hear. As soon as the last syllable was uttered, his features began to change. In a second's time, the form of James Potter had faded into that of Severus Snape.

Lily reached out to touch her beloved's face, "Much better."

Sarcastically, he replied, "I'm glad you think so. I thought you had gotten used to seeing me as James Potter and my self worth plummeted." 

Lily chuckled weakly, "You're too arrogant and proud to ever let someone else bring you down. Especially James."

"Ha!" Severus scoffed, "You're one to talk about arrogance and pride! Aren't those qualities prized and possessed by Gryffindors?! When you lot were at Hogwarts, did you notice that there were three other houses besides your own?? Perhaps not since that would've required you to acknowledge the existence of the rest of us."

"Oh, there were 'three' houses??" Lily assumed her husband's sardonic attitude, "I only remember two--Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Perhaps it was because I hadn't the desire to go about looking under rocks for the third." Severus glared at his wife, opening his mouth to spout a retort, but he didn't get a chance. Just then, a contraction hit full force and Lily clamped her hand down on his, gripping her fingers around his hand tightly. Her long, sharp nails burrowed like razors into his flesh. He knew he'd gotten what he deserved so when the contraction passed, he never said a word about the blood that she'd drawn. A few seconds later, the medi-wizard returned to the room and placed himself in front of Lily's opened legs.

"Are you ready to continue, Mrs. Potter?" The smiling medi-wizard asked jovially. Lily nodded her head, drew in a deep breath and pushed. And pushed... And pushed... Severus held her hand and encouraged her to keep going. When he saw that she was once more becoming tired and frustrated, he leaned over and whispered into her ear, "I don't know how much longer I have before the spell wears off, but if you want to see my face looking at the baby, you'd better give it more effort than that. Otherwise, you're going to have to endure watching an ugly git of a Gryffindor gaping proudly at our child."

Irked, Lily flashed her smirking husband a most murderous look. That was the incentive for Lily to gather all the strength she had and push until she could no longer feel the pain of her uterine muscles contracting . Concentrating heavily on the two things that mattered most in her life–Severus and her yet to be born child-- she pushed and screamed until a wailing, flailing babe was placed on her still swollen belly. After the cord was severed, the proud, albeit tired, mother took her new son into her arms and cried tears of joy. Severus sat on the bed next to them and drank up the amazing sight of mother and child. It was a scene that he never wanted to forget. After counting ten fingers and toes, Lily handed her son over to his father so that she could admire the two of them together. At first, Severus felt awkward with a baby in his arms, seeing how he had never considered himself the fatherly type. But upon realizing this was 'his' child, something he helped create, that would forever be apart of him, he relaxed and regarded the baby with the wild black hair lovingly. If he'd been a damned Gryffindor he would've cried, but being the Slytherin that he was, he shed a few tears then pretended he had an eyelash stuck in his eye. 

Not much had awed Severus Snape in his lifetime, for his nature had not permitted him to gawk and stare in wonder, but the little guy in his arms had him bewitched, more so than any spell could've done. He was awestruck by this perfect, innocent little person and wondered how such a beautiful being could come from someone so dark and cynical. Then he remembered the child's mother. It was she that saw a light in him amidst all his darkness. He looked at her and realized that unshed tears still clouded his eyes. His wife smiled knowingly. Trying to avert her attention from his misty eyes, he commented nonchalantly, "He looks quite like a future Slytherin prefect, doesn't he?"

"That's the most absurd idea I've ever heard! He can't be a Slytherin prefect!"

Severus' head snapped up to meet his wife's face. Furious and puzzled, he bellowed, "Why ever not?!"

Coolly, Lily replied, "Because he's going to be a Gryffindor prefect."

__

"HE'S NOT GOING TO BE IN GRYFFINDOR!!" Severus practically spat out the last word as if it were an Unforgivable. His yelling had startled the baby who began to cry. Not sure what to do, he handed the child back to his mother.

"It's ok, little cub. Shhhhh...."

More than a little annoyed, Snape asked, "Why do you have to call him that???"

"Because 'baby snake' doesn't have quite the same ring. Besides, he was borne not hatched."

If it was possible for Severus' scowl to become any bigger than what it already was, it did. What made him even more mad was seeing the amused smile on his wife's face. She was enjoying it! Her eyes danced with mirth, those same eyes that had captured his soul years ago… 

At this point, Severus became nauseated and couldn't stomach anymore. He didn't want to see Lily smile and he didn't want to see his son. As usual, he left the past feeling none the better. Severus needed to escape himself, if that were possible. The dungeons and the pensieve reminded him of his failures as a man, as a son, as a husband and as a father. It didn't take him long to decide that he had to get out of the dungeons. He started towards the door like a bull charging towards a matador. He was in such a hurry that he didn't even take the time to open it, instead, he brandished his wand and yelled, "_Eruptio_!" With a loud bang, the old wooden door that led to the dungeons exploded outward as a bright yellow light resembling a lightning bolt hit it. Several large pieces crashed to the stone floor just before Severus impatiently ran passed them on his way aboveground. 

As he ran from his dungeons out of the castle and into the night, he could not escape the darkness. It followed him relentlessly wherever he went as it had all his life. His mother had told him at an early age that he would forever live his life under a grey cloud; her prediction had been true for the most part. Wherever he was there would be sorrow, whomever he associated with would be tainted and fate would not look kindly upon them, whatever he did would ultimately start a chain of destruction around him. There was just no end to the pain in his life. Lily was suppose to be his redeemer but instead she was dead because of him. No one and nothing could help him. 

The night was cold and Severus could see his breath as he stomped wrathfully across the grounds towards no place in particular. A light breeze made his black robes billow even more than usual and his black boots left muddy indentations in the earth softened by the snow that had fallen just a few hours ago. His hands were balled up into tights fists, his right one still clutching his wand which was ready to do battle upon the faintest command. Anything that got in his way was promptly removed by it. Such unlucky victims was a patch of flowers Severus had come upon. Red streaks of light flew wildly left and right to remove the wretched things from his sight. Petals of all hues, shapes and sizes lay strewn all over the ground amid broken stems and detached leaves. Finally, Severus got tired of using magic and madly started kicking at the blossoms and stamping their remains into the earth, spending all his pent up rage and animosity that had been building for weeks. While he hacked away, he didn't notice a figure stealthily approaching him from behind.

"Professor McGonagall will be very upset when she finds that her flowers have been destroyed."

Whirling around, Severus saw the source of the voice through his narrowed eyes and felt nothing but utter contempt for this man who had been like a father to him.

"YOU!" Severus pointed at Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, who stood calmly a few feet away. Momentarily, he forgot the flowers and irately trudged passed them, trampling the few that were left. Though the two were now face to face, Severus screamed as though a wide lake were between them. "I HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME AND MY SON!" Spit flew everywhere and the young man looked as if he were ready to attack, but Dumbledore stood unfaltering and unwavering, not even batting an eye. With the feeling that Severus had more to say, the headmaster refrained from speaking. He was, of course, correct in his assumption 

"Why?! Why did you allow Lily and me to marry?? Surely, you knew that something like this was bound to happen! Why didn't you tell us that we should wait??!! If the Order could've defeated the Dark Lord before we married, then Lily would've been alive today, our son would be with us and I wouldn't be wasting my time on a damn pensieve!"

Severus was breathing heavily. There was so much more energy he needed to burn, but he managed to restrain himself and waited for Dumbledore's response. It came after many minutes of silence. 

In his most serene voice, Albus replied, "I'm sure Petunia and Vernon Dursley would be willing to hand Harry back to you, Severus. We can apparate to Surrey from Hogsmeade and have Harry back here before dawn."

Bewildered, Severus didn't know what to say at first. Rage turned into confusion as he tried to digest what he'd just heard.

"You're saying that we should go get Harry and bring him _here_? I thought you said it wasn't safe for Harry to grow up in our world??"

"I did say that, yes."

"So then why are you suggesting that I go get Harry and bring him here if it will put his life in danger??"

"Isn't that what you want?"

"Yes.. NO! I want my son, but I don't want to put his life in danger!" Severus was getting flustered as he didn't understand where Dumbledore was going with this. Sometimes he wished that Albus would just say what he meant instead of trying to make a point. He wasn't in the mood for games.

"Ahhh, but if you had to make a decision, which one would it be: to bring Harry here and perhaps endanger his life or leave him with his aunt and uncle where he will be able grow up away from those that want to harm him?"

Defeated, Severus admitted quietly, "I'd rather him grow up healthy, away from the fear and suspicion that someone is out to get him."

Albus's blue eyes twinkled from behind his half-moon spectacles. "Then _your _decision is made. I gave you several choices, but _you _were the one who made the ultimate decision. You see, Severus, life gives us many, many choices, and it is up to us to make decisions with consequences with which we can live and accept. Lily knew that if she married you that her life would be in danger. She was no fool, Severus, but she loved you so much that she couldn't stand the thought of living her life without you. Once, right after the two of you graduated from Hogwarts, Lily told me that she would rather have one blissful day of being married to you than have to endure a lifetime without you."

"But it wouldn't have been a lifetime!"

Sadly, the Headmaster confided, "Voldemort was growing stronger and attracting more followers everyday. There's no way of knowing how long it would've been before we could've stopped him. Even if you hadn't married Lily, who is to say that either of you would've still been alive if and when he was defeated?"

Severus sighed heavily. "But at least…" His voice trailed off into the misty darkness. He couldn't bear to finish his own sentence because he would be putting his most private thoughts into words. To Severus, this would be admission to the guilty thoughts that had tormented him since the night his wife had been murdered. 

"…it wouldn't have been your fault?" Dumbledore finished the younger man's thought and was promptly acknowledged by a solemn nod. He knew how Severus felt as the Headmaster could see the black aura emanating from his thinning body. He sensed the intense feelings of guilt, anger, sadness and remorse that swirled in it's faint glow. Severus's profound pain dampened the air around them. For the past two months, Albus had worried himself over his guest but knew that Severus had to overcome this heartache himself, that is if it was possible to ever really get over losing one's family in one night. All he could do was offer the support that he knew Severus would never use… until now. Now was different. Severus had endured all that was humanly possible. After months of torturing himself with the memories of his dead wife and absent son, he'd been brought to his knees, collapsing under the weight of the heavy burdens he'd carried since November. While he was too proud to vociferate an entreaty for a release from his sorrow, Dumbledore could hear Severus's soul bitterly howl for death to come and claim him. It was a lamentation that Albus was all too familiar with and from personal experience, he knew that the only one who could save Severus was Severus. 

Dumbledore benignly shook his head, "Severus, how can I make you understand that Lily's death was not your fault?"

Severus' bitter tone returned to his voice as he snapped, "How can I make you understand that it was?? I was a spy for Merlin's sake! I knew the risks and the consequences of associating with Death Eaters, yet I married Lily anyway! Not only did I seal her fate, but the fate of our son and anyone else connected to me! In fact, I'm not only responsible for Lily's death, but for the death of James Potter as well! I'd asked him to come over and stay with Lily because the mark started to burn and I had to go..." He stopped then violently shook his head. "I can't believe I feel even a bit of remorse about his death because it was his bloody scheme that allowed Lily and me to marry in the first place! Damn fools!! All Gryffindors--Lily, Potter, Lupin, Pettigrew, Black-- are and WERE-- nothing but careless, reckless fools! Where are they now?? Lily, Potter and Pettigrew--dead! Black--in Azkaban, the filthy traitor... "

Even though he had been a member of Gryffindor as a student at Hogwarts, Albus wasn't the slightest bothered by the remark that slighted his former house. Choosing to ignore the comment, he instead focused on the more important issue at hand. "Why then did you marry her? You had a choice, did you not?"

Snape knew the Headmaster spoke the truth but how could he find the right words to describe to this man how Lily had bewitched him. Without using magic, she had somehow managed to charm him so that he had no choice but to surrender unconditionally to her desires. "Do you know how fucking hard it was to deny her anything she asked for?!? She was the only person that could crush my resistance with a mere glance at those green eyes of hers! There was something about her that rendered me defenseless and weak..."

Albus smiled and stroked his long beard. "When I was younger, I was quite the irascible and cantankerous fellow. As a professor, I had little patience with my pupils and no tolerance for work that was less than perfect. I brooded time away and buried myself deeper and deeper into work that I believed to be so important until one day...," he paused briefly letting the surreal blithe feelings that the memory always brought him overwhelm his senses. Getting a far away look in his crystalline eyes, he continued, his words tenderly wrapped in a fondness that only nostalgia could conjure. "One day, I looked up from my desk to see a most stunning young woman standing in front of me. At that moment, I felt emotions that I'd never known to exist. One glance at her and my life was never the same again for suddenly I knew that nothing--not my work, not even myself--was more important than the lady that stood before me. To me, the sun rose and sat at her behest, the tides crashed upon the shore at the climax of her passion and the moon glowed with her beauty. It was then, for the first time, that I knew what real love was. Love was born in an instant when an unexpected glance caused my very soul to tremble with recognition. From then on, I could refuse her almost nothing."

Dumbledore bent over to pick up a flower that lay crumbled on the cold, saturated earth. It was one of the many flowers that lay scattered about the ground because of Severus's wrath. "My dear friend, you weren't defenseless or weak, but in love. The happiness and joy that Lily brought you awakened apart of you that had for so long been obscured by scars accrued from those who have wronged you throughout your life. You, like myself, needed the love of another to smooth your rough edges and to calm your temper. Lily did just that. Love does wonders for the human spirit for when someone cares enough to love us in our perfectly imperfect form, they give us back the faith we were born with." 

Severus gazed out onto the barren, snow clad hills. Now that winter inhabited the earth, life retreated into a long slumber to abide the rest of the frigid season. Birds had stopped filling the days with their mirthful tunes, trees no longer offered cool shade to those who tarried beneath their branches and the gentle trickling of a nearby stream ceased to offer it's tranquility as the freezing temperatures transformed the water into ice. A deadening silence had blanketed the land. The sun disappeared for days at a time behind thick grey clouds that brought snow and cold temperatures. Most of the hours of the day were spent in perpetual darkness helping create the illusion that hope and faith as well as love were dead--extinguished from the hearts of those who still believed in them. This rang true for Severus who couldn't see redemption in anything since he'd been robbed of Lily and Harry. He was an eternal winter who was as dead on the outside as he was on the inside. There would be no reawakening and rebirth in a few months time for in his world, night would never give way to another day. Nature's death mirrored the dissolution of his own soul. 

Without averting his gaze, he spoke softly, "I just want to know why Black turned Potter, Lily and me in to Voldemort. Lily and I trusted him to keep our marriage a secret, that's why we made him our Secret Keeper. We made him Harry's godfather..." Severus's voice dwindled into nothingness. His emotional reservoir was depleted. He hadn't felt joy or happiness since Lily had been alive and now he didn't even have enough energy to hate.

The headmaster stepped forward and came to stand just to the right of the grieving widower. Looking out towards the same black horizon, he asked in a serious tone, "If you could do it all over again, would you have married Lily?"

Severus turned his head to look at Albus. Fathomless black eyes pierced twinkling blue ones. Deadpanning, he answered tersely, "No."

The spiritual emptiness and emotional void that Dumbledore saw in the younger man's tired eyes disturbed him so much that it caused the twinkling to cease in his own eyes. As a ghost is spirit without form, Severus seemed to be a form without spirit, wondering aimlessly through his bleak existence too numb to feel the pain that was killing him.

The feeling of helplessness was so overwhelming that the Headmaster turned away, no longer able to look Severus in the eye. He felt as though he'd failed the younger man who had given up so much for a cause so great. As grateful and thankful as Dumbledore knew the wizarding world was to be rid of Voldemort, he also knew they had no clue as to how big of a price it was Severus, Lily and Harry had to pay.

Sniffling and coughing, Albus fought in earnest to hold back the tears that teased his eyes. Thoughts of the Evans/Snape family always triggered a particularly emotional response in the Headmaster since "the night", especially the memories of the vivacious, sweet tempered red-head, Lily. She was too talented, too beautiful, too loving to have been struck down so young. She was only twenty-five. Once, Dumbledore had asked a fourteen-year old Lily what she wanted to do with her life, and after careful thought and consideration, her answer was simple: "I want to change the world." In a way, she had. By sacrificing her own life for that of her wee son's, she not only saved him but through him she had saved the world from Voldemort's reign of terror. Dumbledore had not seen her crumpled, lifeless body with his own eyes, though in his dreams he'd seen it many times. Her glassy eyes would stare up at him from where she had fallen on the nursery floor. He would mourned the empty body that lay motionless before him and thought about all the things it once did and would never do again...

By now the tears were visible in his eyes and with a trembling hand, Albus swiped them away. He felt like an old fool. His purpose for being out here was to help Severus, but he himself had succumb to the same dark, sorrowful thoughts that had occupied the mind of his young companion these last couple of months. Clearing his throat, he once again spoke, drawing Severus out of his reverie.

"There's been something that I've been meaning to ask you, Severus..." He waited for a response and when none was forthcoming, he continued. "Severus, Professor Dmitriev has left Hogwarts to teach Potions at Durmstrang therefore leaving us in need of a Potions Master. The students will be returning in a mere two weeks and I need someone to fill the position who has superior knowledge in the field of potions. I believe you are remarkably skilled in the subject and would like to offer you the position."

Severus didn't want to be burdened with students or grading papers. He didn't want to witness the milestones of strangers' children when he would miss the milestones of his own son. How could Albus ask this of him knowing all that he'd been through?

Just as Severus was about to refuse the offer, he heard Albus say, "One day, you will be able to teach your own son when he comes to Hogwarts. And you can choose whether to tell him or not that your are his father and that his last name is not a reflection of his true parentage." 

"What?! I didn't think that it was _safe_ for Harry to live in our world?" Something within Severus' heart awakened. Hope, perhaps? He tried to remain skeptical, but it was too late.

"Right now, it is not safe for Harry to grow up in our world, but he _is_ a wizard, after all, and will eventually need training in order to develop his powers. When he is of age, he will receive his Hogwarts letter and thus begin his magical education."

It wasn't exactly joy that Severus felt for he knew that Harry would have to spend the next ten years living with those dimwitted Dursleys, believing that James Potter was his father and that both his parents were dead. Severus also knew that Harry would probably grow up never knowing that a magical world existed because of Petunia and Vernon's hatred of all things magical. It made his stomach turn to know that his beloved son was in the hands of such idiots, but at the same time he felt relief to know that they would one day be reunited. If he accepted the Headmaster's proposition, then he would be a professor at Hogwarts and therefore able to keep a watchful eye of his son's every move. They would never have to be separated again!

His mind made up, he promptly agreed to become Hogwarts's new Potions Master. It didn't matter that he was severely introverted or that he didn't like children very much, his goal of being reunited with his son made the obstacles pale in comparison. Though his heart was still heavy with sadness, a tiny part of it was redeemed with hope.

In silent agreement, the two men made their way back to the castle. Just before going inside, Severus questioned the Headmaster, "What does Minerva want with a garden, in the middle of winter, no less?"

Albus smiled, "Like you, Minerva has suffered some terrible setbacks in her time. Years ago, she suffered a loss that affected her very deeply. She kept her chin up and was strong, but for many months she barely spoke a word, barely ate. It took much longer before she could laugh again. One day, in an attempt to come to terms with her grief and to fill a gaping void in her life, she decided to plant a garden. For many days she labored, diligently sowing each seed by hand. To ensure that she could enjoy the company of her flowers the whole year around, she charmed the soil so that no matter the season, the flowers would always be in bloom. 

"At first, she visited the garden almost daily as it seemed to bring her closer to the things that had been taken from her, but as the years passed, the visits lessened. It appears that in recent years, she visits her floral companions to find solace and peace away from her sometimes hectic job as Deputy Headmistress." Dumbledore brought the flower he'd picked up earlier up to his face and stared at it's limp form. Softly stroking it's white petals, he added, "Remember this Severus, we were given memories so that we might have roses in December, not rocks in our shoes. Let your memories be your blessings, not your burdens." Handing Severus the flower, Dumbledore turned and entered the castle, leaving his friend outside to ponder his words.

Almost immediately, Severus came to the conclusion that he needed to get rid of the pensieve. He didn't want to destroy it, but instead he thought about arranging for it to be put in his vault at Gringott's. Somehow, he knew the only way to work through his despair was without it. There was no other alternative as he had his son to think about now. Harry was no longer just a distant memory of his past, but would be part of the new Potions Master's future. 

Sighing, he looked down at the ravaged flower. Upon closer inspection, he was somehow comforted to discover that it was his late wife's namesake. For some odd reason, by merely holding the small blossom in his hand, he felt just a little bit closer to Lily. Delicately, he placed it in his pocket to be put up later. Just before setting off for the dungeons, he instinctively looked up at the night sky and whispered almost inaudibly, "Happy anniversary, Lily. I didn't forget this year." 


End file.
